the sun rises outside my window this morning. all is quiet in this corner of the world. my brother and nephews have left on their journey back home. they have my old car. it was a birthday present to the oldest nephew. of course my brother gave me some money for it, which I gave part of back to my nephew so he could license it when he gets home. maybe I should not have accepted any money for it.

it was a good weekend. we spent yesterday driving around town and seeing sights. last night we went out to play miniature golf and eat pizza. I miss them sometimes here. years ago my life took me far away from most of my family, but life does that. there are some family members down here, my aunt and uncle. they have a couple of kids, now grown, who aren't too far away. maybe next weekend I'll go visit them. my life right now is work, friends, and some family. no love in my life except for the love I keep for those far away. maybe that is what pains my heart sometimes. there was some heartache when my family had left this morning. we hugged a lot before they left. they are good kids, my nephews. I can see why so many people want families and children.

the sun is up now, shining on the houses. I am here sitting typing this down, feeling like a bird who doesn't know how to fly. I see my friends and family living their lives, happy and sad. maybe I write too much, not living in whatever moment I find myself, dooming myself to walk alone in this life, walking through life, writing and taking photos of what I see, not really living.

then I remember those I have let into my life, and everything they have brought me, both good and bad; the friends who supported me, those who stole from me, the family members who love me, the people who disliked me, the women I have let myself love but didn't really love me, and those who loved me when I never wanted it from them. why is this life so hard sometimes? do we choose to make it hard by our preconceived notions of right/wrong, of love/hate?

we try all our lives
try to be happy
whatever that means

you love the people
that touch your heart

life takes what it wants though
not letting you make many choices

I am scared of love, sometimes.

it frees my heart
loosens my pen
opens my defenses
blinds my vision
makes me trust myself
and my feelings.

the only thing that hurts me
is my heart, is my love
my doubt when things go wrong
makes me not trust myself
makes me close it off
to those who love me.

there is no love without hurt
no peace without war
we exist here for unknown reasons.

inside us is every possibility
there is love and hatred
anger and compassion.

I can do little but say this
over and over again
we are our salvation,
we are our downfall.

when we love, others may follow
when we hate, it breeds more hate.
mob mentality or personal empathy?

I love, and sometimes I hate
my life is not right
but I try everyday
to make it close to right.


Nate